Ducks Mahal

Dear Insurance Agent:

I got your phone message.  As you know, I’m asking that you review your records and adjust my fire class to a 9, which is better than a 10 P.C.  I have learned the P.C. means it’s Pretty Certain my house would burn down before the fire department arrives.  This adjustment should lower my rates.

Some things you should know:

1. That address up there is misleading but it is my address.  Some nutcase many years ago decided it would be a good idea to make Hamilton a postal code that covers 50 square miles of land, overlapping four counties.  I have tried to change it but that just isn’t going to happen in my life time.  If you look on the map for the town of Hamilton, you would find it near Westings in Blaire County.  I don’t live anywhere near Blaire County.  I live near White Fork in Mission County, almost 50 miles away from the town of Hamilton in Blaire County.  But my postal code is Hamilton.  My mail actually is delivered from the Hamilton post office, 50 miles away while the nearest post office to me is 10 miles away in another town.  It is the craziest thing.
2. I am in the White Fork fire district.  The new fire station is 1.7 miles from my house.  It has a 1,200 and an 800 gallon truck with a 2,000 gallon pumper inside.  It is still a volunteer fire department.  They do not have an office in there or even a 911 address.  It’s a metal structure that houses the trucks.  The firemen apparently like putting out fires and appear quickly from nowhere when called, but, they got no time for paperwork.  Attending a community college for a couple of classes is like having a Master’s degree here.  They actually taught agriculture at the community colleges until not that long ago.
3. I spoke with a fireman at the new fire station who told me my district is a class 9 and they are actually working on a class 7 or 8 and even asked me if I’d help them write a grant for two more trucks.  I write grants.  I gave him my number.  In return he gave me the name of a James Rivers who apparently is the high hayo makamak of the fire department but did not have his phone number. The fireman told me James lives on Willie Rivers Rd.  There is a Willie Rivers Rd.; I know right where it is.  But there is no James Rivers in the phone book.  The effort of locating James would be pointless since his first name is probably Earl or something like that.  Most folks here initialize the first letter and go by their middle name.  It looks better on agriculture papers and sounds important for role call, the times they do attend a class or a meeting, which isn’t too often.  In this case, it might be E. James Rivers.  See what I mean?  It has more rings to it.  It sucks, I know.
4. Most other fire departments would not know the class changed.  They don’t actually keep up with each other.  Remember, they hate paperwork.
5. I have successfully reached someone once at this number.  601-799-5555, once!  I have no idea who I was talking to because it seemed I was a bother but the individual did answer a few questions about the fire department.  Still have no idea who it was and I asked, “I’m sorry, who am I speaking to?”  Nothing, dead silence on the other end.  It would come as no surprise to me if the individual was wanted for writing bad checks which is jail time, no exceptions.  The good news is the picture of the individual would be hanging on the post office wall in Hamilton, 50 miles away.
6. I hope I’ve been helpful.

Sincerely,

Audubon Ron

(Note:  This is a true and recent story.  The names have been changed to protect me.)