I started this year in super shape.
As everyone knows who lives three point eight miles south of the North Pole and two-hundred miles north of the Equator at, in or near the North American Continent, an arctic chill rolled into places like, where I live, and sent nightly temps into the low teens. We don’t do low teens here. And thusly, Audubon Ron’s pipes have been frozen for three days, that is until they thawed yesterday in a burst of warm glowing sunshine and gave indication that main tee intersections, such as under the kitchen sink, wash room and rear bathroom cracked and sent water gushing all over the under of Audubon Ron’s house.
Concurrent to the pipes and the sunshine bursting into Niagara, just moments before the playoff game, New England and Baltimore that is, Audubon Ron’s throat started to feel scratchy and forehead a little on the feverish side and today Ron has raging temperatures in high 102s range. So it’s cold outside and hot in Ron’s head not to mention he’s starting to smell and really needs to go to the bathroom.
To which, Audubon Ron’s wife responded yesterday by quarantining Ron from her immediate proximity, wearing an operating mask and going shopping, leaving Ron alone, smelly and crazy.
So, here I sit, here, at the keyboard, verklempt, stymied, worked over, TKO’d, dick knocked in the dirt (metaphorically speaking at this point), wondering, what did I do to deserve this? I have the answer. Obviously, it’s karmic identity theft. My karmic credit score has been ruined because I don’t have Free Karma Credit Score.com. I’m paying for someone else’s mistake because I didn’t do anything to deserve this. I’d say it’s my fault, but I’m not absolutely sure it is.
I have to figure what pipe parts to buy. That requires me crawling under the house on my back, and on my front, (now the dick in the dirt is not so metaphoric) in the cold, wet, dank dirt, futzing with pipes and running a fever. But, I’m motivated I tell you.
The ole dawg needs a flea ever so often to remind it it’s a dawg.
I’ll let you know how it goes in early March after the thaw, if and only if I’m alive by then.
P.S. The pain in my hip from arthritis, mild in comparison.
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Addendum after post: I fixed the pipes. If only I can fix the flu, minor set back. The below is called a masterpiece.
OH. NO. You could always invest in a row boat?
Well that sucks. And it is what plumbers are for. I am with the Little Woman. Leave and don’t come back til there is running water in the pipes and not under the house.
Ugh! Hey! I recommend oil of oregano for everything. Two drops on the back of the tongue, swished down with lots of water. Hope you feel better soon.
We don’t do frozen pipes here in Austin, either. And honestly? I wouldn’t know what to look for, so I’m really hoping they aren’t. Frozen, that is. Because I don’t have a sick husband here to work magic on the pipes while I shop and wait for the pipes to get better. I mean, the husband to feel better.
Poor dude. Sorry I showed up here late with the warm brandy and lemon drops. I wouldn’t know what to do with pipes, but I know what to do with warm brandy.
Hope all ills are mended by now!
Sickness has overtaken us as well, but despite my 35% lung capacity I went for a run today.
It was the slowest, most depressing run I’ve ever shuffled. Turtles were passing me. Ya’ know, those winter turtles that live in urban neighborhoods.