Ducks Mahal

As a kid, I and my buddies teased a childhood friend in a fun way.  His name was Jack.  Every time we saw Jack we’d say, “Hi Jack,” then we’d raise our hands in the air like we were being held up at gun point.  Get it?  Hijack?  I know, silly childhood thing but we thought it was cool and so did Jack.

Well let me tell you, it wasn’t so funny when I signed on to FreeCredit.com this weekend.  I thought for sure I was getting hijacked and still am not altogether sure what all exactly happened.

If you watch as many Sunday morning political pundit TV talk shows like I do, and even more so now since we’re ALL hoping to catch a rare glimpse of the former presidential candidate John Edwards sex tapes, you will see a reoccurring ad with Ben Stein advertising Freecredit.com.  I mean, John Edwards I don’t trust, but would love to see just a little of that tape, not that I’m into that sort of stuff – much, but who wouldn’t trust Ben Stein?  So I signed on Freecredit.com and went on one hellava roller coaster.  It actually made me pissed off and made me as scared as John Edwards. After all, when the tell-all book came out written by a guy who claims to have a video sex tape of Edwards and mistress Rielle Hunter, I’m sure Edwards crawled in a hole somewhere.

I signed on Freecredit.com and then answered 943 questions.  Page-by-page they asked my name, rank and serial number, last name first, first name, middle name last.  Somewhere around question 463, they asked for vitals like social security, credit card and so on, the stuff you’re not supposed to give anyone much less blank screens on the Internetz.

I finally finished the questions on Freecredit.com and low and behind, the dang thing wouldn’t let me sign on.  So I called Freecredit.com and then the worries really started.  You IDIOT!  NEVER let a woman who is a videographer (ala John Edward’s mistress), a woman who owns lots of video equipment, set up a tripod and camera, get on her knees, wiggle her ponytail and GET IT ON FILM. 

So finally, I reached this guy at Freecredit.com named Francis.  I asked, “Francis, where are you?”  Francis said, “The Philippines.”  I said, “SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!  I just gave my vitals to a guy named Francis in the Philippines!”  I asked very calmly, “Francis, you’re not going to sell my info to anyone are you?”  Francis said, “Absolutely not.”  And there I sat believing Francis.  Oh how I wanted to believe Francis in the worst way.  I wanted this nightmare over and wake up and fix coffee and chuckle and believe none of this ever happened.  But, it happened.

So Francis asked me to verify information.  He asked the name of my last mortgage company and the number of my loan.  I haven’t had a mortgage for the past ten years.  Then he asked me the name and numbers of past credit cards.  I’ve had this one same credit card for almost 20 years now.  I pay it off each month.  I have no gas cards, no store cards, no debt.  I was crumbling in the face of these questions and then remembered a file.  It was “the” file.  I found enough info to satisfy Francis who then reset my account and you will be happy to know I have a credit score of 759 – today.  (For those out of US folks, that’s between Very Good and Excellent credit rating).  But, no telling what it will be after Francis sells it.

The Little Woman overheard my frantic phone conversation with Francis.  She was all, “Tell me you didn’t do what I think I heard you do.  Tell me you didn’t.”  I replied, “Honey, you have no idea what a fortunate man I am otherwise.  After all, I could be John Edwards.”  She replied, “Not for long.”  I replied, “Is there anyway at all you could tie up your hair in a ponytail?”  She replied, “What for?”