Ducks Mahal

I’m outraged and perplexed and should be speechless.

This Friday, after three months of psycho act cleansing at Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services a half hour’s ride up the road from where I live, he stands before a crowd of handpicked friends and family, sans his tremendously gorgeous wife, and says, “Hi, I’m Tiger Woods and I’m a sex addict and I’m almost healed.”

HORSE  SHEEEIT.

I.am.sorry, no one can go into therapy for 90 something days and somehow come out healed from anything, even with electric shock therapy, neuron reconstruction and mass quantities of thorazine.  Tiger stands before this crowd with his hand on his heart and says he messed up and he is sorry and hugs everyone and they all go, “That’s okay dude.”  But, I tell you, the handpicked crowd had few other words of support.  They were speechless and I would be too.  What was the purpose of that nonsense?  How can Tiger be so damned dumb?

Woods is the most marketable athlete in the world.  In 2008 it is estimated he brought home $110 million in winnings and endorsements.  A guy that makes $110 million a year doesn’t have to apologize for nothing.  All he’s got to say is, “Yo, Elin, I need something extra on the side and I’m rich and like that and forget you.  What’s it going to cost me to make you go away?”  His wife Elin is all not so fast golf ball, I’m the mother of your kids and I’ve got this really nasty attorney who specializes in really nasty divorces and he will make Bernie Madoff look like the Dali Lama (i.e. he will take all your money).

It is predicted, Tiger has been suspended by the PGA for “conduct unbecoming”.  The PGA keeps those things hush-hush so we will never know unless it leaks.  All these pressures well affect his winning.  Lack of winning will be the reason his leftover endorsements will drop him and by the end of 2011 there won’t be much left of Tiger.  We will see one, maybe two almost nearly comebacks but he will have hit the same wall Michael Jackson hit – loss of public favor.  Public favor is what sells endorsement.  He’s now damaged goods.  Forever branded.  The public will only stomach a so much of Tiger.

The reason Tiger was so popular to begin with was his otherwise sterling larger than life fantasy image and phenomenal talent on the golf course.  Sadly, I’m sure Tiger’s attorneys have advised him he has no choice but to go all I’m a sex addict and I’m cured so he can go home and be all happy again so it looks better before the judge who will have to split the pot, equal measure to Elin, extra for the kids and Tiger gets the leftovers.  The defense will be, “But your Honor, he did everything humanly possible to save his marriage.  He’s not addicted anymore, let’s get his doctor on the stand, surely that has to weigh in the balance.  Elin is being unreasonable.  Besides, she totaled his crack drug dealer Cadillac SUV with a 9 iron.  Whatever happened to throwing dishes and several nights on the couch as punishment in full?”  The “deer in the headlights look” on Tiger’s face right now is from the immediate realization that Elin is fixing to wreck him big, all things financial and otherwise.

On this sex addiction thing, I don’t buy it.  Come on man.  What warm blooded man isn’t addicted to sex?  After all, that’s one of the reasons a guy gets married to begin with.  Sorry, that’s the testosterone talking.  A guy can want sex three times a day, but with the wife that’s not an addiction, that’s just needy.  More importantly, when did we get to a point when we are no longer responsible for our choices?  We can get a diagnoses with an addiction, take a pill, cry, feel sorry for our self, ask everyone for forgiveness, hit the rest button and call it a day and go, “See it’s not my fault.  I’m addicted, it’s like a virus”.  I think it would be more realistic to be treated for a narcissistic personality disorder frankly, which this clearly is to me.  I would prefer it if he said, “Hi I’m Tiger Woods and I’m the asshole of the year sweepstakes winner and well, I’m damn dumb too.  I wasn’t meant to be married.  Can I go back to winning golf tournaments now and my 12 concubines?  I have a plane to catch.”  That would make more sense to me.  But this checking into Pine Grove thing is a legal strategy; let’s just get that out there and call it what it is.

Don’t get me started on the 12 women.  Why aren’t the 12 women hauled up ona loss of consortium suit?  It always lands on the man.  Why wasn’t Lewensky sued by Hillary?  Hillary said she likened her husband’s infidelity as an addiction.  I’m sure neither Tiger nor Bill clubbed anyone in the head and dragged them into their cave.  One of the 12 women actually said Tiger should apologize to her and the other women for exposing them.  Too what, an STD, public humiliation for being a Jezebel?  Where are the women who say, “Know what, you’re married Tiger and I don’t roll that way.”   They could have helped him not become what?  ADDICTED!!!   If he is the addict they are the pushers. This all gets stupider and stupider for me.

So, “Hi, my name is Ron and I’m a sex addict and loving it.  I’m addicted to one woman.  Is that okay, can I do that?”

The Little Woman, “Not three times a day.  You come at me three times a day and addiction will be the least of your problems.”