Ducks Mahal

I had Olympicslepsy last month.  If I wasn’t falling asleep during the figure skating competitions I was sympathy jerking through snowboarding races and downhill everything.  Not to mention the poundage I gained around the belly button from piling on the couch, expiration chugging gallons of milk and deep throating several boxes of hot brownies. During the Olympics the Little Woman was affectionately referred to as “Honey, the fire needs another log.”  I’m such a puppynoodle.

Though everything else teh sux in my life, this has been a great year thus far for me sports wise.  Hell froze over after the Saints won the Super Bowl.  Several dayz after the Super Bowl it snowed in south Mississippi.  Well Fuck Me Dead Al Gore, where is all that global warming you invented?  The winter Olympics was in February.

Now I have April to look forward to.  We all know what that is.  That’s when I get Masterslepsy.  That would be one solid week of the Masters Golf Tourney and with any luck at all, no Tiger Woods.  Although I would love to see just one Cadillac Escalade commercial of Tiger’s wrecked SUV with him standing next to it arms folded and him saying, “My Bad.”  And, as he stands there looking all imperturbable one hears in the background, “The Escalade can even handle a Tiger’s Wife Mad without setting off the airbags.”

FYI, she didn’t break just one window to “free him” sports fans, Elin Woods  broke both rear windows as he was pin-balling between a tree and a fire hydrant.  And, she wasn’t trying to set him free, she was trying to liberate him permanently.  I’m just saying.  She was bone’in eyes roll’in back going Freddie Kruger on him with that nine iron.  In a deep Swedish monotone accent it was reported she was all in a zombie trance, “Ti-ga, I want to fwee yooo.”  *Smash* *Pow* *Splonk* He was shifting gears and jamming his SUV back and forth in the driveway like he was racing down a hill on a tractor, screaming, “WTF, Eee-lin!  WTF, NO BABY, NOT THE SUV.”  “Ti-ga, I want to fwee you.”  I mean, let’s add it up here for crying out loud.  If my Little Woman tried to “save me” I’d be all thank you’s.  Tiger enrolls in a witness protection sex addiction program.

Sorry. I had a spell there.  As one gets older, lepsy plays a significant roll in one’s life as one friend puts it, as time marches on.  I may die broke with Zenith Envy however, never having owned a 50 inch plasma panel.  That would be the ultimate lepsy for a guy with couch soars.  And after laying there all fetal for awhile I get real bad couch hangover and don’t usually get up unless I really have to.  I probably should clean the windows.  Maybe next year.  Well, got to get back to the couch and get all critical again.

Before I crawl back on the couch, let’s play insurance investigator on Tiger’s car. These below are actual police photos so no credit necessary.  I ganked them from the Florida Fuzz.

In pic above, let the record reflect there was nothing wrong with the driver’s door. It opened just fine.  Note left rear door glass breakage.

My guess, it’s not a total loss but probably $20,000 damage.  This ride new is only $65,000.

Collision impact to the right front from colliding with a tree at speeds one can attain at top end within their own driveway.  Definitely frame damage.  Definitely fleeing a potential homicide scene.

Note also right rear door glass breakage from the alleged nine iron wielded in the hands of a very pissed off blonde woman from Sweden.

It begs the question, if you have already broken one window, why break two? Each rear door has the same locking mechanism.  Just a question.

Coverage denied. Killing own car is not a covered loss.  Srsly.